How to help kids learn about empathy

Empathy is teachable, and children start earlier than we credit: by 12 months, some babies try to soothe distressed people. Five habits build it: name your own feelings aloud, take your child’s feelings seriously, use books and films, give real chances to practise, and praise every empathetic act. The parent modelling it is the actual curriculum.

“An exchange of empathy provides an entry point for a lot of people to see what healing feels like,” says the activist Tarana Burke. Empathy heals, the world needs more of it, and raising empathetic individuals is squarely a parent’s and educator’s job. It is also a core component of social intelligence; many experts argue empathy is the basis of morality itself, and research from the University of Kansas and Baker University found that empathy-focused intervention improves mother-child relationships and life satisfaction.

The timetable surprises people. Many believe children cannot develop these skills until four or five; in fact, by 12 months some babies attempt to soothe people who seem upset, and toddlers show remarkable sophistication when trying to help (Martin and Olson, 2013). The capacity is there; our job is to grow it.

What is empathy, exactly?

The ability to understand, feel or share another’s feelings: an emotional response to what someone else feels or would be expected to feel. It comes in two types: cognitive empathy, understanding another person’s perspective and recognising their pain, and emotional empathy, actually experiencing a version of their emotional state. Children need both, and they develop at different speeds.

Five ways to grow empathy

1. Talk about your own feelings

Young children learn from what they see. “Naming emotions helps children learn to recognize different feelings in themselves and develop the self-awareness necessary to practice empathy with others,” explains Dr. Lynne Merk, psychologist at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital. So narrate yourself: how you feel about events, without hiding, and what the right action looks like. Model it bodily too: donate unused toys and books together and explain who they help and why; add a few items for people in need to the grocery run, with the reasoning said out loud.

2. Take their feelings seriously

Never reject or brush off what your child feels. When they talk about an experience, listen, name what they might be feeling, and help them resolve the inner conflict. A child whose feelings are honoured learns, wordlessly, that feelings matter, which is empathy’s first premise. (Active listening is the tool here.)

3. Use stories and resources

Books, films and videos put children inside other lives; fiction measurably builds empathy. For little ones, feeling-books do the ground work: The Feelings Book by Todd Parr, My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss, How Are You Peeling? by Freymann and Elffers, Feelings by Aliki, Baby Happy Baby Sad by Leslie Patricelli. (The social-skills book list continues from there.)

4. Provide opportunities to practise

Empathy requires practice and guidance. Create real chances to act on it, and debrief gently: when should you have shown empathy there? Why do you think she felt that way? Perspective-taking is the key that turns feeling into skill.

5. Praise the effort

Research shows acknowledging and praising positive actions reinforces them. Make a habit of naming it when you see it: “You noticed he was sad and sat with him. That made me proud.” Specific praise is how a good act becomes a habit.

Children learn empathy the way they learn language: by immersion in a home where it is spoken daily.

Above all, be patient. Explain, wait, and let it grow as a habit rather than a routine. And spare a thought for its special importance around children who struggle: a classroom of empathetic classmates is half the battle for every child with a learning difficulty.

Dr. V.S. Gayathri is a Certified Dyslexia Therapist, an Orton-Gillingham trained literacy specialist, and the founder of Flourishing Kids. She has delivered over 4,000 hours of one-to-one reading and spelling intervention, helping children across multiple countries build stronger literacy skills. To talk about your child’s emotional growth alongside their learning, get in touch for a free 15-minute conversation.