Are you an active listener to your child?

Active listening means stopping what you are doing, meeting your child’s eyes at their level, and reflecting back what you heard. It builds trust, self-esteem and free expression, yet 62 percent of children say their parents are too distracted to listen, with phones the top culprit. The SOLER method gives the how-to in five letters.

Listening is often the only thing needed to help someone. It sounds too simple, but lending an ear genuinely helps a person resolve a situation or see it differently, and for children it is everything: growing minds are clouded with questions, information and emotions, and parents are the most reliable place to bring them.

A small scene shows it working. You collect your daughter from preschool; she tells you a friend took her favourite toy and she cried. You listen visibly, acknowledge her sadness, and when she says she fears the friend will damage it, you reflect: “So you’re scared your friend might damage your toy?” She calms. You keep talking. She has just learned that being upset is okay, and how to label and cope with a feeling by talking to someone. That is active listening doing its quiet work.

The science backs the habit: a study in Psychological Science found 4-to-6-year-olds who engaged in more conversation at home showed more brain activity while listening to stories and processing language. Good conversation runs on good listening, on both sides.

Why does actively listening to your child matter?

• Free expression. It gives them a place to be fully themselves and say what they feel.
• Trust and bond. Listening and conversing create the connection that keeps them opening up to you; and children copy what they see, so model the listening you hope to receive.
• Self-esteem. A child whose thoughts are heard concludes they matter to you, and confidence grows from exactly there.

The uncomfortable statistic

A Highlights survey found 62 percent of children say their parents are distracted when they try to talk to them. Top distractions: cell phones (28 percent), siblings (25), work (16), TV (13); technology alone accounts for 51 percent. Our children are competing with our screens, and they know it.

What the CDC recommends

1. Stop what you are doing and focus your attention exclusively on your child.
2. Make eye contact while speaking.
3. Get down to your child’s physical level; if they are sitting, sit.
4. Reflect back what you understood them to say, to make sure you have it right.
5. Do not worry about getting it wrong; the listening and the trying are what count.

The SOLER method

Devised by Gerard Egan and taught to counsellors, SOLER is a five-letter checklist for non-verbal listening:

• S for Sit squarely: positioned so you can fully see each other.
• O for Open posture: no crossed arms or legs; your body should say welcome.
• L for Lean slightly: it sharpens your focus and shows the child you are here for this.
• E for Eye contact: comfortable, not staring; they should feel secure, not inspected.
• R for Relax: your ease gives them permission to gather their thoughts and speak freely.

The phone face-down on the table is still a message. The phone in another room is a different one.

Take the time, use the method, and watch what it does for the bond, the behaviour and the development. Listening is also where you first hear the things that matter: the school worry, the friendship trouble, the reading struggle a child has been hiding. The companion skill, teaching your child to listen actively themselves, has its own guide.

Dr. V.S. Gayathri is a Certified Dyslexia Therapist, an Orton-Gillingham trained literacy specialist, and the founder of Flourishing Kids. She has delivered over 4,000 hours of one-to-one reading and spelling intervention, helping children across multiple countries build stronger literacy skills. and every session begins with listening. To be heard about your child’s needs, get in touch for a free 15-minute conversation.